Chemistry of Love Part II of II

If you’re a woman, do you sometimes wonder why the man in your life responds so differently than you do to stress or even to the things that make you happy?  Do you sometimes wonder where the tendency for your man to “fix things” (including your “problems”) comes from?   For men, do you sometimes wonder why the woman in your life likes to talk and share her feelings so much?  And why it’s hard for her to just “get over things” that for you are easy to move on from?  You’re not alone.

Recent research on brain chemistry suggests that men and women are “wired differently” in the way we are “programmed” to respond to both pain and pleasure in life. John Gray, author of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, has found that by understanding the differences in brain chemistry between men and women, he has avoided potential conflicts and maintained more harmony in his own marriage.  When I spoke to John, at a private event a few years ago, he shared some insights into how the difference in chemicals affect the relationships between men and women.

In Part I of this series, I mentioned four of the chemicals which are released during the process of falling in love: Dopamine, Serotonin, Endorphins, and Testosterone or Estrogen.

In this article, we will look at the differences in Dopamine and Serotonin levels in men and women and how it influences the way we act in our intimate relationships. I will also give you a few tips on how to use this to improve your couple-ship.

Recent research has indicated that men are born with higher serotonin levels and women are born with higher dopamine levels.  This means that women actually crave more serotonin and men crave more dopamine. This makes sense when you remember that serotonin produces a feeling that “everything’s going to be OK” and is useful in dealing with the stressors of life.

Dopamine is produced when a person works to overcome challenges and obstacles to reach a worthwhile goal. In early history, when men would go out and hunt for food, this pursuit of the “goal” or food for their family produced dopamine in their system which gave them courage and the will to survive.

Women, on the other hand, were responsible for raising children, gathering other food, creating a nurturing home (or cave), and making sure their man was well-rested and fed before the next battle. For her, serotonin was released when she felt “taken care of,” and protected from outside danger. It has also been shown that serotonin is released in women when they feel heard, after sharing their feelings with another.

Even though these roles have changed significantly over time, the brain chemistry tends to work in a similar manner. When the masculine in us responds to a challenge, overcomes an obstacle, and reaches a goal, dopamine is released and the individual feels happy and fulfilled.  When the feminine in us feels like our voice is heard by someone we care about, serotonin is released and we feel peaceful and content.

So, how can you use this in your intimate relationship?

Here are two ideas:

1) For the women, if you want to talk about something on your mind, turn it into a “project” or “task” for the man to accomplish…something goal oriented.  Or simply tell him, “the way you could fix this for me is to just sit with me and listen….that itself could be the solution I need.”  Practice supporting him to accomplish goals that are important for both of you.

2) For men, show your woman that, when you do projects around the house or work hard to finish some task, you are actually demonstrating your love for her because you want to create a nurturing environment for her.  Tell her that you want her to feel “taken care of”.  Also, when she does want to talk, realize this is a chance for you to support her need for serotonin. If you “hang in there,” you will reap the benefits because a woman that truly feels heard by a man is a woman that becomes very motivated to please the man.  It’s a by-product of the serotonin being released.

One last tip….research has shown that chocolate also releases serotonin in the brain.  It’s no wonder that chocolate makes a lot of women (and others) feel happy.   Remember this the next time you feel your relationship is a little “stale”. For more tips on how to use the differences in brain chemistry to “spark” your couple-ship, contact Blaine directly at (951) 850-2888.