4 Key’s to Re-kindle the Spark in Your Marriage or “Couple-ship”
How do you feel when you wake up on Monday morning after a weekend with your spouse or significant other? Are you ready to greet the world with a fresh, re-vitalized outlook, ready to take on the new week? And when you look at your spouse or partner, are you grateful he or she is in your life and excited about what adventures you two will be able to have this week?
Or is this just a scene from some movie you watched….about as real as the pictures on the DVD case it came in….….
If you’re like most folks that I see in my counseling practice, you might be starting the week off with a different perspective. You might be experiencing a “weekend hangover”…..thinking about how much money you spent….how you didn’t get all those projects done that you had planned to do…how you’re out of shape because you perhaps ate and drank more than you should have during the weekend…and, and, and… Do you see a common theme here?
These are all about not having enough of something….money….accomplishments….the “fit body”… Have you noticed that when we focus on what we “don’t have”, we see more things that we “don’t have”. That’s the way our minds work….because our mind is like a magnifying glass. If we focus all our attention and energy in one direction intensely, it can cause enough turbulence to create a fire, just like a magnifying glass can start a real fire.
Have you ever experienced this “fire” in your couple relationship by focusing on the things you don’t like in your partner? You begin focusing on one small thing that he or she did wrong…. and than you bring in other “small things”….it starts to build momentum and than you have a fire on your hands.
In working with many couples over this, I’ve notice that the “issue” that they end up fighting about is not the “real issue” that actually caused the disagreement. In fact, after an argument, most couples can’t even remember “why” they were arguing. Does this sometimes happen to you? Many times, one or both of the members of the couple have had a bad day and were irritated about something else. Or one person is feeling a lack of connection with their partner and they don’t know how to get it back…so they start picking at “small stuff”, just to get a reaction from the other….or the person doesn’t feel their voice is being “heard” by the other…so they start raising it with the hopes that finally he or she will understand me. Have you ever been down that road?
It doesn’t have to be that way. There is a way to proactively avoid these “downward spirals”. And since what we focus on expands, why not focus on what we like or even love about our partner….perhaps the reason we well in love with them the first time….or the things that still attract you?
As you start the new week, try this 4 step process with your partner to kick off week in a connected way which should bring you closer together. Schedule 45 minutes (less than one hour) to sit down with your spouse and/or partner during this week and do the following 4 step exercise:
1) Each of you share 3 qualities that you appreciate about the other. Before you do this, you might reflect on what attracted you to them when you first fell in love, or qualities that you’ve discovered since that time. Tell the other not just what the qualities are but why they are meaningful to you…give specific examples of what he or she does when you notice those qualities. For the person listening, just say “thank you” or “please clarify that”, if you don’t understand what he or she is referring to. This isn’t the time to give feedback.
2) After completing the above exercise, than start a conversation about what’s important to each of you this week, in terms of what you VALUE. One way to understand your values is to look at how you spend your time or money…because we tend to spend time and money doing what’s most “valuable” to us. Each of you should come up with 3 to 5 top values for this week, write them down and share with them with your partner. They may be things like, quality couple or family time, recreation, financial security, fun, personal or spiritual growth. Each of you should rank these in order of priority.
3) When you hear your partner tell you their top values for the week, ask him or her “what can I do to support you this year with (the value they mention)?” The other person should say specific things that they would like to have or do, to feel supported in that value. Write down whatever your partner says. Than switch andT do the same.
4) Now, look at both lists of the top values and the supportive activities your partner would like. Choose at least one thing that you are willing to commit to help support one of his or her values. Note: It helps if you reflect on what you said in the first step of this process about what you love/ like about the other. Than say, “Because I love you and _X Value_______ is important to you, I am willing to support you by doing _____X_____________.
If you find yourself disconnecting from your spouse or partner, take 10 minutes to reflect on what you still love or like about them and make a point of telling them during the week. It’s also OK to ask your spouse what he or she appreciates about you. Remember, every significant emotional experience you’ve had in your life…..like falling in love….is still in your computer like memory. You just need to retrieve the file and look at it from time to time.
According to Steven Covey, it takes 21 consecutive days to develop a new habit. If you’ve been stuck in old patterns that disconnect you from your partner for years, or even months, do this exercise every day for 3 weeks and see how your relationship becomes transformed and you become happy. You’ll be surprised how much you become interested in your spouse or partner, and start looking forward to each day you can spend time with him or her. Start the journey today!
