We’ve all seen it in the movies. The couple walks along the beach at sunset….they embrace and then, when the man looks into the woman’s eyes, they both feel this electricity between them. There’s almost a “glow” around them. All of the sudden, the things they each have been worrying about seem so small and the future seems so bright. One or both of them may feel, “finally, I’ve found someone who really understands me….we have such great chemistry.” Does this sound familiar? Perhaps you’ve experienced some version of this yourself at least once. Do you remember the first time you fell in love….or even with your spouse or current partner?
Then fast forward one or two years after those first feelings of “great chemistry.” If you’re one of the “lucky ones,” that chemistry has transformed into something even richer and deeper. Or, perhaps it’s gone the other direction and you wonder what you ever saw in him or her. In either case, one thing can be said for sure: those feelings of initial “chemistry” change over time.
Why is that? Could it be that this feeling of “chemistry” is caused in part by actual chemicals going through your brain and nervous system which do change over time? The purpose of this 2-part article is to shed some light on what’s actually happening physiologically when we fall in love and how you can use the chemistry to your advantage.
Research on brain chemistry has shown that when you fall in love, there are sometimes a minimum of four chemicals (produced naturally) which flood your system, at times simultaneously. They are Dopamine, Serotonin, Endorphins, Testosterone (for men), and Estrogen (for women). I call these the “happy chemicals” because they all generate different aspects of happiness. Let’s take a look at what they are and how they affect your feelings of “falling in love.”
When dopamine goes through your system, you experience the feelings of passion, excitement, and a “lust for life.” Dopamine gives you the feeling that “you will do anything to make this person happy….no obstacle is too big.”
Serotonin, on the other hand, when released, generates feelings of peace and warmth in your heart. You feel as if you’re bathing in light and that “everything’s fine;” “the world is perfect just the way it is.”
Testosterone gives men (or the masculine in us) the fuel and desire to passionately pursue their partner with courage and drive. Estrogen stimulates the women (or the feminine in us) to nurture and to “nest” with their partner. Is it any wonder that in many cases women love to “cuddle” more than men? It could be the estrogen that’s being released in their system as they open to love the other.
Endorphins are produced during strenuous exercise, excitement, and orgasm. The feeling that’s generated by endorphins actually resembles that of Opiates (a category of drugs) in their ability to produce a sense of well-being and relief from pain.
That’s quite a combination of chemicals, isn’t it? That’s why when you “fall in love,” you feel a mixture of excitement, passion, peace, tranquility, drive and courage, warmth and compassion, and relief from pain. Well-known therapist and author, John Bradshaw, stated that falling in love is like “having a dopamine cocktail.” And like many cocktails, there is sometimes a hangover.
Research has suggested that somewhere between 12 and 30 months, these chemicals start to “wear off.” That’s why it’s important to develop healthy “relationship habits” during the first few years of your relationship. In my counseling practice, when I work with pre-marital couples, I help them create these healthy habits around communication and shared values, so their “relationship roots” can withstand the shift when the “chemical cocktail” wears off. During the initial period, you will focus on the similarities between you and your partner. After the “cocktail” wears off, you may focus more on the differences. That’s why it’s important to learn tools to work with the differences, without letting them divide you.
I have a tip for you who are in a “couple-ship,” no matter how long you’ve been together. Start each week, remembering one thing you share in common with your partner and do something to feed that during the week. The more you focus on this, those “happy chemicals” can be released again and you can fall in love all over again. If you’re interested in rekindling the spark between, you and your partner, I can help you with tools and strategies to help you fall in love all over again.
In Part II of this article, we will explore the differences between the dopamine and serotonin levels in men and women and how this affects their relationship. This will be very helpful in understanding your partner better and meeting their needs in a way that can make a huge difference in your relationship. Stay tuned!
